We'd only heard of it for the first time the week before and stumbled across it last night when flicking channels. The host, Fully Clothed Nicolette, explains the premise and introduces the naked daters.
Firstly, Naked Deveron, a barman, who is looking for love with a fun, attractive, curvaceous girl with nice boobs and a nice arse. He laments that as a barman, he doesn't always meet girls in the right situation because they are mostly drunk. I suspect this has never bothered Naked Deveron before, but his desire to be on TV has changed his view, for now. Naked Deveron is, ummm, well, let's just say, it wasn't a cold day.
Then we meet Naked Eva, a marketing student, who is looking for deep conversations with an intelligent but manly guy. She seems quite pleasant, but very studious, and I am already suspecting the producers do not take their match-making seriously. Naked Eva has several piercings which glisten in the sunshine and are quite mesmerising.
The two naked hopefuls are dumped on an "uninhabited" island (camera crews don't count), with nothing but their winning smiles and some secret, personal items they chose to bring along in their "Love Bag". I thought we had already seen Naked Deveron's love bag, but apparently not.
They walk towards each other for the first time, trying to avoid eye-to-genitals contact. It seems that despite agreeing to be completely naked, they don't want to come across as too pervy. After lots of stilted conversation, excruciating pauses, nervous laughs, and full body twirling (to get the perving over with), I am blown away by the fact that the Dutch word for awkward, is simply... awkward.
At this point, there has already been much laughter in our living room. For some reason, the Daughter finds the oft-used camera angle showing a side-on silhouetted schlong quite hysterical. The Son is trying to study the aforementioned piercings in between his loud expressions of great mirth and, unsurprisingly, it takes him til almost the end of the show to even notice the jewel in her navel.
Anyway, the Nakeds discover a "hut" and bare essentials... a pineapple and some rice.... and I must praise Naked Deveron for being brave enough to pick up the machete and actually use it on the fruit within castrating distance of his good self. We were a little scared for him, I can tell you. The attempts to start a fire and cook the rice are clumsily slapstick, and Naked Eva tells us she is a little disappointed that Naked Deveron is a bit quiet, and doesn't seem as manly and capable as she hoped. In fact, they both talk to us and tell us what they're feeling and thinking far more than they seem to talk to each other. I am starting to feel sorry for them and their sunburned extremities.
The chemistry between the Nakeds does not improve, and they spend an uncomfortable night lying next to each other on a mat on the floor of the hut. The upside of the lack of spark between them is that Naked Deveron can get up quickly and easily in the morning with no embarrassment, because "I didn't have a hard-on". Good to know, dude.
Just when you think this episode is about as exciting as watching our Prime Minister eat an onion, along comes a third wheel known as Naked April! She is a young, loud, voluptuous party chick who spends a great deal of time playing with her exceptionally long, curly hair...on her head. Naked April arrives on the island and marches straight past Naked Eva (who is showering under a tree, posing like a naked water nymph) without speaking to her, in search of her "Naked Adam".
When she cannot find any exposed penises in the vicinity (I assume Naked Deveron has been lured away to do an interview, in order to set up this first Two Naked Girls clash), Naked April turns back to Naked Eva to find out what the fuck is going on (or its Dutch equivalent). The realisation dawns on both of them that there is only one "Naked Adam" and they will be competing for him. I swear I can see Wolverine claws appearing on Naked April's knuckles.
Finally, Naked April finds Naked Deveron further along the beach, and ERMAHGERD...... THEY KNOW EACH OTHER! Turns out these two losers in love have been on another dating show together, where Fully Clothed Deveron REJECTED Fully Clothed April! But will this change when he sees she has areolas the size of dinner plates? And what does Naked April think of him, apart from "He's somewhere about average, although I haven't seen his erection yet"? By now, 'awkward' has become the most used word on the show.
So the Two Naked Girls have a cooking contest, and the winner gets a private date with Naked Deveron. Yep, it's sexism time. They are handed some ingredients and given twenty minutes to produce something edible. Naked Eva makes a huge mistake by choosing chicken, as it doesn't cook in time, and I am impressed that Naked Deveron knows the word 'salmonella'. Naked April's beef stir fry wins, more by default than by success.
Naked April and Naked Deveron head off for their date to a separate campsite, where they are both almost overcome by the smoke from the fire, and had to move their cushions to another spot. This is probably the most interesting that happened. I thought cushions were a bit of a luxury, but I guess sitting on a log when naked would create a splinter issue that NO member of a film crew wants to take care of.
At last, Naked Deveron gets to use the contents of his impressive Love Bag...he brought cocktails. He tries to impress with his shaking skills, but he ain't no Tom Cruise. The date seems like a bit of a drag, with Naked April trying to explain how she's a far more serious person than she appears to be on the surface, all while continually playing with her hair and trying to keep her massive breasts under control.
They return to the hut, where Naked Eva awaits with the news there is now one double mat and one single mat to sleep on. Who will sleep where? Naked Deveron announces he's on the double, and it doesn't matter who is next to him as "we won't be touching each other anyway". Looks like there'll be no morning wood for him yet again. Naked Eva takes the place next to him, while Naked April goes it alone. Something I suspect she's used to.
The next day, we discover the secret of Naked Eva's Love Bag....she brought boxing gloves! As you do. The initial excitement in our living room turns to disappointment when we realise it will not be a Two Naked Girls fight, but a 'date' of sorts with Naked Deveron. Naked Eva wants to know what sort of man he is, and claims she will after a bit of sparring. There is some light hearted banter, a few jabs, and a couple of decent punches....all by Naked Eva....while Naked April watches on jealously. "I would've joined in, but not in this heat, and I don't want to get a black eye". I'm genuinely confused when Naked Eva is disappointed that Naked Deveron didn't really hit her properly. "He ran away!" I'm pretty sure if he belted her, his career as a serial dating show contestant would be over. Smart move, dude.
We also discover the secret to Naked April's incredibly long hair that she can't stop touching.... when enormous clumps of it come out in her hands and she rinses them under the shower. Extensions! This now has me wondering if her areolas are real.
Talk turns to sex, I think (I'm not certain, I'm laughing so much at all of the things, especially how "oh my fucking God!" in Dutch is simply "oh my fucking God!"), and Naked April asks Naked Eva if she's read 50 Shades of Grey.
Naked Eva looks as haughty as one can when naked, and says, "I have it, but I won't read it."
Yes! I'm totally voting for Naked Eva. She's my pick. Until....
"I don't like reading. I only read business books to improve myself" she continues.
Oh dear, she's won me and lost me in one conversation. The Son still loves her and her piercings because he doesn't read either. Maybe he should go to the Netherlands.
Meanwhile, on a boat floating offshore, Fully Clothed Nicolette rings a bell three times to signify it's time for Naked Deveron to choose which Naked Eve will accompany him on a few days holiday at a nearby resort (I suspect it's just on the other side of the same island). After much fake procrastinating and genuine condescension, Naked Deveron unsurprisingly chooses Naked Eva. Poor Naked April takes her surplus hair and wanders off, trying to be cheerful about the fact she has been rejected by the same guy twice and she still hasn't seen his erection (she actually doesn't mention that, I'm just supposing).
Back at the resort, we watch Naked Deveron put some pants on and wait for his 'Eve'. I think he has flowers and champagne in his hands...I'm not sure, I'm too fascinated to see him in clothes to notice. As the now Fully Clothed Eva approaches in a skin tight red dress ("I used to worry if this dress was too tight, now I don't care, I've been naked!"), the Fully (but badly) Clothed Deveron tells us she looks hot and sexy. As he had the integrity to not say these things out loud when she was naked, but waited til she was clothed, I'm finally starting to like him.
But wait.... Fully Clothed Nicolette suddenly appears and stops Sexy Eva to offer her a deal.
Continue walking towards your holiday with Fully Clothed Deveron at the resort, or 250 Euros to walk away.
Sexy Eva knocks back the offer with red-lipped confidence, and I'm thinking maybe there was a spark between her Naked Self and Naked Deveron after all. A non-hard-on producing spark, but a spark nonetheless.
Fully Clothed Nicolette ups the ante to 500 Euros (about 700 Aussie dollars) and Sexy Eva turns to briefly look Fully Clothed Deveron up and down.
"Ok, I'll take it."
Poor Fully Clothed Deveron is left to be politely let down by Fully Clothed Nicolette while Sexy Eva takes the money and runs off as fast as her second degree sunburn lets her.
And we still don't see his erection.
Awkward, in any language.